Etymologically speaking, poker terms are generally used as real-world metaphors in the same way that other things are used as metaphors in poker. Among the most obvious is, “I have an ace up my sleeve,” an allusion to cheating in poker that is transformed into sly, sneaky, or clever strategic thinking in the real world. One of the worst poker phrases to use in the real world is, “I’m all-in.” I know this because for a year, I dedicated myself to using it as a catch-phrase, committing it to the annuls of history every chance I got. The following is a short list of scenarios when using this phrase may not be the best choice.
Awkward shit you shouldn't say and probably know better
10. In Dairy Farming
Me: I’m All In!!!
Veterinarian: Ok, so get your hand around as much of the scat as you can and just scoop it out of her anus. Then we’ll have room to get in there and artificially inseminate her.
9. In a Wardrobe
I’m all in!!!
Clerk: Well, that’s good, because we don’t sell anything larger than a 74” waist.
Me: I don’t know, though, it’s still a little tight.
Clerk: Yeah, try not to bend at the waist. If you split those, you’ll have to buy them.
8. In Friendly Advice
Me: I’m all in.
Friend: I didn’t say a person couldn’t fit himself in the dryer, I said you shouldn’t.
7. In Finance
Me: I’m all in.
Financial Advisor: Look, I told you to diversify your retirement account.
Me: But AIG looked so good at the time.
6. In Relationships
Me: I’m all in.
Girlfriend: You are? Hahahaha!
Me: What? I’m, like, almost average length.
(Ex-)Girlfriend: Get out, loser!
5. In Medicine
Me: I’m all in.
Nurse: Wow, that was impressive. I’ve never seen someone actually insert his own catheter.
Me: Dude! I’m not going to let another guy touch my junk. That’s gay.
4. In Gambling
Me: I’m all in.
The lottery clerk stares back at me blankly.
3. In Casual Sex
Me: I’m all in.
Her: I can see that, but you’re not supposed to put everything in the condom.
Me: Oh. Really?
Her: Yeah. I mean, how did you get those in there anyway?
Me: Practice.
2 & 1. When writing a top 10 list
Writer: I’m all in
Scott: Awesome list… how come there’s only 8 when there should be 10? Could be an April Fools prank. We’ll get it fixed right away.
