It’s getting dangerously close to the time of year where thousands of poker players will risk sunburn in the Nevada heat on their perfectly pale, super irradiated, clammy indoor skin to face the ultimate in competition at the poker pilgrimage that is the WSOP.
The world famous WSOP logo.
This week, we’ll take a look at the players that I think have the best chances to take the main event title for reasons that are clearly arbitrary and void of any real basis in skill level or climate of competition. On with the list!
10. Phil Helmuth
He’s one of only three players who have won the Main Event twice, plus he’s got the record for the most WSOP bracelets. But everyone knows that he’s got a huge target shining neon light from his forehead, and that he will be hard pressed to get passed the first hour. So why am I bringing up the poker brat? So that I can misspell his name again, such is my spite. Suck it, Helmuth.
9. Jamie Gold
Jamie is still the top tournament money earner, by way of his one win at the WSOP Main Event for upwards of $12 million and has barely placed in the money since. This mention is actually something of a tease, though, because it’s my understanding that he’s committed to developing his career as a stand-in for Stephen Colbert during rehearsals and will be unavailable to play at the WSOP this year. Good luck with that, Jamie!
8. Mike Matusow
The Mouth’s bizarre mix of self-loathing and ego-pumping often makes him sound like a schizophrenic man-child. But he won the Tournament of Champions, so I guess he’s (they’re?) doing something right.
7. Tony G
This kimono-wearing Lithuanian-Aussie is the personification of what Helmuth and Matusow’s child would look like if he were raised in the Australian outback, where everything is allowed to get primordially gargantuan.
6. Shannon Elizabeth
I choose not to actually justify this pick in any way, but instead offer Shannon as placation to the editors, who may have some kind of Arabian fetish. God willing, they’ll put a gallery link here so that you can satiate the erection that is no doubt forming at the mere mention of her name. Here you go Luke [Ed] - Shannon Elizabeth Photo Gallery 1.
5. Chris Ferguson
I’ve heard it whispered in the corners of poker forums that when Jesus collects eight WSOP Main Event bracelets, his hair will turn white and he’ll be able to throw things much more lethal than playing cards. And if you got that Dragonball Z reference, then you’re not my friend anymore.
4. Edward Norton
Aside from being a big-deal actor, Edward is also an accomplished poker player. He gets a lot of space at the poker table, because no one wants to make him angry. (I know, I’m disappointed about that joke, too. It’s best to just put it behind us.)
3. Wil Wheaton
Since Star Trek: TNG went off the air long ago, Wheaton has had nothing but time on his hands to practice poker. Time, and the new-radio smell that you get from going through the transporters.
2. Hevad Khan
Transferred his ability to deal with the infamous “Zerg rush” into a very profitable online poker career that involved him videotaping himself playing 20 sit-and-goes at once to prove he wasn’t a bot. Plus, he’s got a really intimidating Donkey Kong impression.
1. Jennifer Harman
Obviously she’s going to be my #1. Obviously. I don’t need to explain myself.
Editor’s Note: in case you do need him to epxlain himself, check out a previous post where he laid out a little Jen worship.
- JenniferHarman - Patron Saint of Poker (who gives money to rescue animals)
0. Annie Duke
Editor here - and I’m adding Annie Duke in to have some success. After that bullshit heads up loss to Joan Rivers on the Celebrity Apprentice - she’ll be out for blood. Old people and rivers - watch out!
