by:
Luke Phillips, March 30, 2009 at 1:47 am |
4 comments. Filed under :
Girls of Poker,
Lists !!!As a poker writer, researcher, stalker, and nuisance, I’ve come across a great number of lists trying to pin down the definitive list of sexy poker playing women. To set the record straight, I present to you the ultimate in superficial lists. In case there was any confusion about my authority to assemble and publish such a list, I’ll list my credentials: I’m a guy who owns a working penis. The terrible, shallow, and perhaps disturbing implications of that statement will become glaringly clear by the end of this list.
Just as she is in the periphery of poker, as an announcer for the WPT, so too must she be in the periphery of this Top-Ten List. It’s just a formality, Shana, I promise. Please don’t let this ranking affect your decisions about future Playboy shoots.
Shana Hiatt Posts | Shana Hiatt Photo Gallery
Erica is an athletic blonde beauty who has an established poker career, but is also a model, personal trainer, pro volleyball player, and a former member of the MIT blackjack team. To be honest, she’s this far down the list because I can see based on her résumé that she wouldn’t need me. You know what, Erica? I don’t need you. See how that feels?
Erica Schoenberg Posts | Erica Schoenberg Photo Gallery
9. Lily Elviro
A celebrated player in her own right, Ms. Elviro is also known as “Ms. Grinder.” Take a moment to mentally divorce that nickname from anything remotely to do with poker, and it becomes a lot more appealing.
I have a weakness for short girls. And Asian girls. So, it’s no surprise that my definitive list would include a short Asian girl. But I still maintain the only form of racial profiling that I can rationalize as beneficial: I still refuse to play poker with short Asian girls like Liz, because they usually beat me. Badly.
Liz Lieu Posts | Liz Lieu Photo Gallery
Despite being Canadian, Isabelle is glaringly French in practice, temperament, and language. This appeals to me because I understand that, as a sexually liberated culture, the modern French partake regularly in a certain form of intimacy that makes the ‘French kiss’ look like a handshake. I place her on this list under the assumption that she engages in that unsaid form of intimacy.
Isabelle Mercier Posts
Dignified. Lady-like. Feminine. If these terms didn’t describe Evelyn so accurately, I might be afraid that this 5′11″ Asian Amazon would kick my ass for putting her on a list of such ill repute. I’m going to try hard not to make a “balls” joke while writing about this expert pool player-wait, I think I just did. Crap.
Evelyn Ng Posts | Evelyn Ng Photo Gallery
Vanessa is a successful player, a student of law, well traveled and, most importantly, an adrenaline junkie. This begs the only question I’m interested in, is she into S&M? I’ll have to ask her.
Vanessa Rousso Posts | Vanessa Rousso Photo Gallery
3. Jennifer “Jennicide” Leigh
Jennicide is a complete nerd, but the difference between her and the fat chick that likes anime who guys sleep with when they’re on dry spells is that Jennicide has an income and has appeared in Playboy. I assume she still performs as eagerly as the aforementioned fat girl.
If I ever find myself in a tournament where I’m placed at a table with Shannon, I’ll excuse myself and spend the entire time in the bathroom. Not because I’m an escapist who doesn’t want to be challenged by good players (I am, though), but because I have a photographic memory for soft-core pornography in movies and magazines and I have a hair-trigger libido. Yes, I realize that’s a horrific combination to be spending time in a public bathroom with. No, I don’t care what you think.
Shannon Elizabeth Posts | Shannon Elizabeth Photo Gallery
Chantel has extremely mixed reviews from people talking about her playing, her personality, even her mental stability. Frankly, that just puts her straight to the top of my ’sexy’ list, because you can get a much better lay out of the mentally unstable. Just don’t give her your real name, and run like hell whenever you get the chance to escape.
Chantel McNulty Posts | Chantel McNulty Photo Gallery
- Luke Phillips
Breath people, breath!!! More hotness coming soon…
ROFLMAO… That’s seriously funny. I’m glad you didn’t take the normal stance or regular top 10, I hadn’t heard of half these ladies. Fun.
Hey Jonny,
Glad you liked it. We were surprised in the office too. Here’s how Luke performed the exercise.
1. Pin a big photo of 35 girls on the office wall
2. disdainfully rip 6 of them off the wall in disgust over their inclusion (not naming any names here to protect the ladies)
3. Started separating them into 3 columns: MEH - UNDECIDED - AWESOME
4. After an hour (yes an hour) of moving and re-sticking, he had 9 in the awesome column. And needed just one more. Can you guess from the write-up which one?
5. Jennifer Tilly - “Blah blah Women’s Poker Champion, blah blah actress. Boobs. Next. NEXT!”
TOTALLY AWESOME…
This is still my favourite post by Luke. #4 is classic humor. I love it.
Jennifer would be real proud.
Poker ladies are beautiful. More women should play poker.